The feedback loop: how to get better at it

A forty-year-old male client tells me of his struggles with conflict in his family. “Every time there is a conflict either with my wife of children, I find it hard to give feedback or receive it well. As a result, we often end up in a state of impasse with the conflict lingering on for days,” he says.
This is a common concern that shows up across gender and age groups in therapy. Giving and receiving feedback assumes greater importance in the age of texting because neither the tone nor any non-verbal clues are available to texters. One of the pillars of psychological safety in relationships is our ability to give and receive feedback in a way that’s effective and helpful. At the same time, we aren’t really taught how and what good feedback looks like. Timely feedback that’s worded right can go a long way in deepening personal relationships and offering a chance at repair. At the same time, the inability to offer or take feedback in a constructive way can leave us feeling hurt, and stuck in a pattern of anger in our relationships.
When it comes to giving feedback, one of the first rules whether in friendships or with significant others is to check and ask if they want feedback. If the feedback is perceived as unwanted advice, refrain from giving it as it’ll only lead to friction.
When the other person is open to receiving feedback, it’s crucial to state how you hope that this dialogue will help deepen the relationship and resolve differences. We owe our loved ones or colleagues, constructive feedback and not just ranting at them. That’s why feedback is best received when it is given in person and not on text or video call. The golden rule is this: when it’s praise, we give it publicly and when it’s something negative or something that has caused us hurt and disappointment, do it in private, and at a time when both, the giver and the recipient are not tired.
The second rule is to not offer feedback in moments when we are angry, tired, hungry or overwhelmed by big feelings. If we choose to offer feedback in those moments, very often may not be able to regulate our emotions and end up saying things that may come across as nasty, hurtful and damaging. Most of us know this, yet it can be extremely hard to restrain ourselves from lashing out or giving feedback in such moments. The truth is, it is possible to enhance our capacity for self-restraint and pause before choosing to speak out.
Mindfulness in our choice of words, our tonality and body language can go a long way in how the feedback lands. The most important rule of giving feedback is to describe specifically what you are feeling, using ‘I’ statements rather than blaming the other person. When we say, ‘You make me angry’- we begin from a stance of shaming and placing the total responsibility on the other person. Instead, a statement that begins with ‘I felt angry when you said this’ is likely to be received with more openness and less defensiveness.
What’s also important is to be specific, describe situations and then move on to stating what would have helped or what could be done differently. When sharing feedback, remember what you are stating is your perspective, observation and your experience of how you felt, and the other person may not have sensed or known. Give them space to hear and understand where you are coming from. All conversations that turn out to be productive have two-way communication built in so give the other person time to respond and share their perspective so that you can have a proper dialogue.
Understand that learning to give feedback is a skill we can get better at, so choose to invest in it.